Mayhem 125.5, MSG 80: Obviously instead of choosing between Herbert and Lawrence, I should have just drafted Dak
Guns 119, Chumps 100.5: Chumps are 1-1 despite needing some SERIOUS help at RB
Yankees 118.5, Factory 101: The defending champs are 2-0 despite the Marvin Harrison Jr.-sized hole in their lineup
SOL 108.5, Torpedoes 56: These two rosters have more red crosses than a Swiss family reunion held inside a Johnson & Johnson warehouse.
Ed. Note: The preceding terrible joke was brought to you by AI
Great One 91, Snappers 87: Snapperheads posted one of the season’s first double goose-eggs …
Maulers 78.5, Weasels 53: … and Weasels posted the other.
Ruminations and Cogitations (Aim For The Bushes edition)
Week 2 Awards: Hard Luck to Factory for losing with 101. Dumb Luck to Maulers for winning with 78.5. No Bench Mob but Weasels was close (53-48).
The season’s first Bad Beat goes to Snappers, who lost three players to mid-game injuries (Caleb, Moore, and Nabers) and lost by four points.
Week 2 Overreactions
- The 0-2 Chargers are in real trouble. They lost two cupcake games to start the season, and now look at their upcoming schedule:
Week 3: at Bills
Week 4: at Seahawks
Week 5: Broncos
Week 6: at Chiefs
Week 7: BYE
Week 8: at Rams
Week 9: Texans
Week 10: Ravens
I think there’s a real chance they could come out of that stretch 0-9. But, being the Chargers, they’ll probably come out of it 6-3, and Harbaugh and Coach Nerd will get all the credit for turning things around, and Herbert will get MVP talk, and they’ll roll into the playoffs as the hottest team in the NFL – and then they’ll blow a 28 point lead and lose to the Jaguars in a wildcard game.
- The other 0-2 teams in real trouble: Dolphins, Titans, Commanders, Buccaneers, Falcons.
- 1-1 teams in real trouble: Steelers, Browns, Giants, Cardinals.
- For my money, George Carlin is the greatest standup comedian of all time, and one of his most famous routines was “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” – unless you have seven Superb Owl rings, and Fox is paying you more money than God, in which case you can say the first two words of the seven without any fear of repercussions.
Week 2 Team of the Week 2
| QB | Josh Allen | Guns | 39 |
| RB | Jonathan Taylor | MSG | 25 |
| RB | James Cook | Yankees | 19 |
| WR | Jaxon Smith-Njigba | Snappers | 33 |
| WR | Davante Adams | SOL | 31 |
| TE | Travis Kelce | Mayhem | 20.5 |
| WR/TE | CeeDee Lamb | Gretzky | 27 |
| PK | Brandon Aubrey / Harrison Butker | Chumps/Guns (bench) | 17 |
| DST | Patriots / Panthers | SOL/FA | 28 |
| Total | 239.5 |
Top 5 Plays of the Week
5. Tyjae Spears had this beauty of a run on 3rd and 22. If only the Titans could have turned it into a TD.
4. CeeDee made this Dak underthrow look pretty good
3. The Panthers’ Devin Lloyd had two picks as part of a monster game against the Falcons.
Bonus play of the week: Watch #52 for the Panthers on the pick 6
2. You could tell this was going to be a TD before Stafford even let go of the ball
1. We have our first candidate for play of the year
Stat of the week #1: In two games the Falcons have no red zone snaps.
For a second I was so excited when I saw that Will Levis signed with New York. I thought the Giants scored a real coup by pairing the league’s two greatest chaos QBs. But alas, Levis signed with the Jets, and we’re left to mourn what could have been.
In honor of the pairing that should have happened but didn’t, the Will Levis Memorial Bonehead Play goes to Jameis, because how could it not?
Non-NFL Play of the Week
Even though we won’t get a Jameis/Levis QB room, at least he’ll be sharing the field with Cam Skattebo, who is unbridled chaos in RB form.
I mean, he’s 5’9 1/2″ and tried to hurdle a guy who was standing up. A regulation NFL field cannot contain their combined mayhem. I might have to buy Sunday Ticket so I can watch Giants games the rest of the season.
But I won’t, unless I can get a refund after week 8 when Skattebo decapitates himself after head-butting a concrete wall without his helmet, and John Harbaugh strangles Jameis with his bare hands.
Trivia question: Two teams have only one offensive TD through two games. One is the 0-2 Falcons. Name the other.
Hoch watch – the son of Eddie Guns has Eagles/Bears on Monday night
Uni watch – week 2
Baltimore Ravens
The all-whites are ok I guess, but I think the story here is the helmet. I’m digging the purple with gold stripes and facemask. They call it the ‘Purple Rising’ helmet, but previous iterations had an alternate logo. This year’s keeps the primary logo, which I think works better.
Uni: B-
Helmet: A-
Los Angeles Rams
Oh dear God that’s hideous. The yellow is too bright for my old eyes, and you can’t pair something that bright with white pants. Maybe – maybe – you could pull it off with a darker blue, but that electric blue somehow makes it worse. Pairing it with the Giants all-white road unis just made my head hurt.
Uni: F
In last week’s Uni Watch I forgot to mention the Australia game.
Now that’s what I’m talking about. It doesn’t get much better than two teams in a classic rivalry both wearing their classic colors, playing outdoors in bright sunlight. I’ve written before about my love for the 49ers road unis with the gold pants, and the classic Rams blue and yellow has been a favorite of mine since I was a kid. This is close to perfect.
Unis (both teams): A+
The Commish Track is Officer of Love by Caamp
Stat of the week #2: The 0-2 Chargers have lost both of their games by identical 26-14 scores. The only other team to lose two games in the same season by the score of 26-14 was the expansion 1960 Cowboys, who went 0-11-1.
This week’s Funniest Vid Ever is in honor of the Jameis/Skattebo partnership. This is exactly how they would be if they were cops.
As much as it pains me, it’s time for our annual Tottenham update. For any new readers, Tottenham Hotspur (aka Spurs) is the English soccer team that I follow. In the past I summarized Spurs for the non-initiated by comparing them to the Chargers, and never has the comparison been more apt.
In a nutshell, Spurs always start the season with a ton of hope, and sometimes they are predicted to do really well, only to inevitably fall short. They’re never truly terrible (usually), but they’re never particularly great either – and they never win the league title (at least not in the last 65 years).
However, two years ago things started to slide. Years of poor roster management, coupled with a rash of brutal injuries, saw Spurs finish in 17th place out of 20. That’s one spot above the dreaded relegation zone, but they were comfortably ahead of the 18th place team so they were never in any danger of getting banished to the minor leagues.
Last year, they finished 17th again, and this time the relegation battle came down to the last game of the season. Spurs won their final game to narrowly escape humiliation, and Spurs fans worldwide collectively exhaled and thought “this was a fluke, there’s no way that could ever happen again”.
And at the start of this offseason, Spurs stepped up into a brave new world. They spent over $500 million on new players, buying guys from all over Europe as well as from other top tier English clubs. Such bold spending had never been seen at Spurs before, and the new team, under the direction of their new Italian manager who got them through the relegation scrap last season, were ready to fly. Spurs were tabbed to return to the top ten, with some pundits predicted a finish as high as fourth.
The result? Through five games, Spurs are dead last, with two scoreless draws, three losses, and zero wins. They didn’t even score a goal until the final minutes of their fifth game.
There are 33 games left to play, and it’s a long season, but like the Chargers I think Spurs are in real trouble. For all the money they spent and all the new and improved players they brought in, they can’t score and can’t defend. They have a billion dollar stadium that generates a ton of revenue (the NFL plays there twice a year), but Spurs can’t win a game there to save their lives.
But despite the lack of goals, and their inability to stop the opponent, and their bafflingly poor record at home, the worst thing about Spurs is how mentally soft they are. The pattern has become predictable – they start out well enough, possessing the ball and generating the occasional scoring chance – until something goes against them, like giving up a bad goal or scoring but having it called back for offside. And once that happens, they fall apart. Shoulders slump, heads hang low, eyes roll to the heavens – the body language of a team that gives up as soon as it faces the slightest adversity.
And it’s not just the players and coaches – the fans do it too.
In short, Spurs are a team that has forgotten how to win, and I think they’re going to get relegated this season. The good news? Apparently the women’s team is pretty good.
The NFL WAG of the Week is Kristin Juszczyk, wife of 49er fullback Kyle Juszczyk and designer of NFL-related fashions.
Week 3 will be the last divisional games for a while. Will Yankees and SOL remain undefeated? Can Factory and Torpedoes get up off the mat? Tune in to find out.
We’ll wrap with my favorite line from one of Bruce’s best songs.
Show a little faith, there’s magic in the night
You ain’t a beauty but hey you’re all right
Oh, and that’s all right with me
Good luck to everyone (almost) in week 3,
The Commish
Trivia answer: Your Pittsburgh Steelers
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