Torpedoes 116, Guns 86.5: Four 20+ point scorers will do that for you
Snappers 104, Mayhem 103: At least Snappers’ 0 point TE was due to a late scratch. Mayhem’s was because the guy didn’t stat for the first time in two years.
Factory 97, Maulers 84.5: Factory had the top two RBs this week, and outscored Maulers’ RBs 47-10
SOL 96, Chumps 64.5: SOL improves to 6-0, ten years after their last title. Is a new dynasty rising in the West?
MSG 76.5, Great One 70.5: MSG started Drake Maye over Trevor Lawrence but didn’t get burned, as bye weeks forced Gretzky to start Famous Jameis and Cam Skattebo. Gretzky never had a chance.
Weasels 69.5, Yankees 55: Weasels have the third best record in the league despite being only five points from the bottom of the scoring rankings.
Ruminations and Cogitations (Unconscious Brain edition)
Week 6 Awards: Hard Luck to Mayhem (103); Dumb Luck to Weasels (69.5). No Bench Mob. No All-In, though several teams were close.
Bad Beat goes to Mayhem, though there’s not any obvious reason. It just sucks to have the third-highest score and still lose.
Commish Bidness
Post-surgery update: after they busted up and removed the kidney stone they put in a ureteral stent. You can Google it if you want to know what it is, where it goes, and how they put it there. It made things a bit uncomfortable for ten days, until they took the f*cker out yesterday.
DEFINITELY DO NOT RECOMMEND
Once again, they snaked something up a route which was not designed for anything to be snaked up, grabbed the stent, and YANKED THE F*CKING THING OUT. And this time I was awake for the whole thing.
It was almost as agonizing as having to manage Mayhem each week.
And while I was undergoing this particular form of torture, Tottenham Hotspur were in the process of winning their first league game of the season. In fact they scored a beautiful goal at nearly the exact time the stent was yanked out. Now, a more superstitious fan would believe that the stent removal was the reason Spurs won, and that in order to keep the streak going I need to have a ureteral stent removed every week.
Well, f*ck that. Spurs can get relegated for all I care. I’m not doing that shit again.
Team of the Week
| QB | Trevor Lawrence | MSG (bench) | 28 |
| RB | Ken Walker III | Factory | 25 |
| RB | Christian McCaffrey | Factory | 22 |
| WR | Tre Tucker | Torpedoes | 21 |
| WR | Omar Cooper Jr Matthew Golden Malik Nabers Jaylin Noel | Chumps (PS) Great One Snappers FA | 16 |
| TE | Kyle Pitts | Guns | 20.5 |
| WR/TE | Isaiah Likely | Torpedoes | 20 |
| PK | Chad Ryland | FA | 19 |
| DST | Chiefs Titans | Torpedoes FA | 20 |
| Total | 191.5 |
Week 6 Overreactions
- In a few months John Harbaugh will be the senior head coach in the NFC East
- MVP race
- Brock Purdy
- Ken Walker
- Josh Allen
- C.J. Stroud (you heard me)
- Lord knows I hate the Eagles and thoroughly enjoy whenever Nick Sirianni looks like an idiot, but holy hell he should not be the one talking to the media about Jalen Hurts’ health issues. I don’t know if the team forced him to go it alone, or if he made the call because he thinks he’s Bill Parcells, but he is not equipped to handle anything that requires actual thought.
- Houston is your AFC South champ.
- The NBA season started tonight. I could not possibly be more indifferent to that fact.
Top 5 Plays of the Week
5. Jalen Ramsey sacked whoever Tampa Bay’s QB is on 4th down to end the game
4. Just Ken Walker doing Ken Walker things
3. The Titans scored a punt block TD on the way to their first win of the season
2. Kirk Cousins connected with Tre Tucker late to pull the Raiders within three of the Bills
1. Josh Allen shot putted a TD pass to Keon Coleman
Non-NFL Play of the Week
As I mentioned above, I screamed when this happened, but that was purely coincidental.
Will Levis Memorial Bonehead Play of the Week
If he keeps this up I’ll have to rename this award.
Coaching Chowderheads
I was going to pile on with the Dan Quinn ridicule, but I believe him when he said he was talking to someone in his headset who suggested they kick the FG after the 4th down play. Regardless, he’s a goner.
If you’ve watched any amount of hockey then you know there’s nothing more generic than a hockey player interview. Remember the scene in Bull Durham where Crash is teaching Nuke interview cliches? Interviews with hockey players are ten times worse. Each one is a master class in talking while saying absolutely nothing.
That’s what makes this so refreshing.
That’s Calgary Flames goalie Devin Cooley, who has rocketed up my list of favorite non-Stars players. Others might call it ‘The Zone’ or ‘Flow State’ or whatever, but I dig his description of how being a “Conscious Brain Goalie” works to his, and his team’s, detriment.
Here’s another one, Apparently he’s always like this.
I seriously wish this kid well, except when he plays the Stars.
Trivia question: Alvin Kamara became the sixth RB in NFL history to accumulate 5,000 rushing yards and 5,000 receiving yards in their career. One of the others was the Colts’ Lenny Moore, who was before our time. Who are other four?
Hint: one of them is still active and leads Kamara in both categories
Speaking of the Stars, Mikko Rantanen just finished off the Bruins in OT to cap off a hat trick
What a player. He reminds me of Brett Hull, not in the way he plays but in the way that he can lay low for a period, or game – or week – and then explode and completely take a game over. I already have one Stars jersey I rarely wear (Heiskanen #4), but I really want to get a Rantanen jersey too.
So Yahoo updated their email app recently. I rarely use it, so it could have happened a while ago, but the other day I was in it and deleted a couple of emails, when a pop up covered my screen and congratulated me on winning a badge for deleting emails.
A badge. For deleting emails.
What have we come to as a society when we feel the need to reward people for deleting email? How did someone formulate the idea of gaming an email app? Did no one at Yahoo say “C’mon guys, this is ridiculous”?
I can only take this as yet another sign that the apocalypse is nigh upon us.
Funniest Vid Ever
The Commish Track is Tuesday’s Gone by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Stat of the week
The Cardinals have more wins in SoFi Stadium this season (2) than the Rams and Chargers combined (1).
I’ve said in this space before that the first seven seasons of The Simpsons is among the funniest television ever made. But in the four or five years after that, it declined to the point that I stopped watching. Little did I know the show would go on for 38 seasons and counting.
For me, one of the funnier side characters in those early seasons was Apu, the Indian convenience store owner who was voiced by non-Indian Hank Azaria. To this day I still say Apu’s “Thank you, come again!” to myself after filling my tank and seeing that message on the pump screen. But I can remember thinking, even way back then, that Indians (and Pakistanis) must have been the last ethnic group that you could still poke fun at.
Of course that wasn’t going to last, and in 2017 a documentary was released that called out the stereotype. Hank Azaria stopped doing the voice and they disappeared the character. Until now, when it was revealed that Apu is back, and now voiced by an Indian actor.
I mean, I’m not going to tune in because of it, but I wonder whether the humor will actually change, or if they’ll still poke fun at the stereotype, just with a different voice.
They also revealed that Apu’s wife Manjula is now voiced by Janina Gavankar, a former Babe of the Week (2022, week 17). So all of this was basically just an excuse to post her pic.
Uni Watch, week 6
No notes. A+
The WAG of the Week is Olivia Culpo, wife of Christian McCaffrey. I think the 49ers lead the league in WAG hotties.
We’ll wrap up with another great one from the Boss.
Well the cops finally busted Madame Marie
For tellin’ fortunes better than they do
Good luck to everyone (almost) in week 7,
The Commish
Trivia answer
Marshall Faulk, Marcus Allen, Tiki Barber, and Christian McCaffrey
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