Week 1, 2025

Guns 110.5, Chumps 83.5: Guns led the week 1 scoring with the top QB and top defense.

Yankees 108, MSG 71: Yanks were right behind with the top RB and WR.

Snappers 105, Swerve 49.5: Swerve with the rare Double Negative (two players combining for a negative score).

Torpedoes 98, Maulers 80.5: Torpedoes had the most balanced scoring of the week, which was good because they had nothing on their bench.

Factory 96.5, Mayhem 63.5: Maybe this time Factory won’t drop their rookie WR after week 3.

SOL 90.5, Weasels 85: Weasels made it close with a late TD Monday night from JJ, but SOL held on.

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Ruminations and Cogitations (Piano Man edition)

Week 1 brought with it the rare occurrence of no Hard Luck or Dumb Luck awards. Also no Bench Mob (but Swerve was close with 46.5 bench points) and no All In (but Torpedoes was close with only 5 bench points).

That leaves the Bad Beat, which I’ll give to Weasels for losing on a meaningless garbage time TD from De’Von Achane.

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Team of the Week

QB	Josh Allen	Guns	38
RB	Derrick Henry	Yankees	29
RB	Bijan Robinson, Javonte Williams	Snappers, Swerve	18
WR	Zay Flowers	Yankees	21
WR	Emeka Egbuka	Factory	19
TE	Brock Bowers	SOL	12.5
WR/TE	Quentin Johnson	FA	19
PK	Spencer Shrader (who?)	FA	16
DST	Broncos	Guns	24
	Total		196.5

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Top 5 Plays of the Week

5. Some guy named Michael(?) Parsons got a sack

4. Bijan Robinson caught a pass three yards behind the line and went untouched for a 50 yard TD

3. Baker Mayfield threw a strike to Emeka Egbuka for the game winner with a minute left

2. Derrick Henry was a monster Sunday night, but his 4th quarter fumble was the turning point of the game

1. The Steelers’ Jalen Ramsey called game against the Jets.

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Week 1 Overreactions

• Miami may not be the worst team in the NFL, but they’re the most likely to implode, and I’m loving it.
• Derrick Henry is closest thing to Jim Brown since, well, Jim Brown.
• I thought the Chargers were still a year away from challenging for the AFC West title, but they may have accelerated that plan.
• The Cowboys looked a lot better than I thought, but I still think they’ll struggle to get to ten wins.
• This is Buffalo’s year.

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The Non-NFL Play of the Offseason is simply the greatest play of all time, in any sport.

That’s Mickey van de Ven, Tottenham Hotspur defender, making the clearance of his or anyone’s life to preserve a 1-0 lead in the Europa League final in May. Spurs would hold on to win the tournament, which if you know anything about English soccer you know is a BIG DEAL because Spurs never win anything. They’re like the Chargers in that respect – they’re usually pretty good but ultimately they never amount to anything.

But what did that moment mean for your Commish? Well, here’s the jersey I bought last year …

And here’s me when I visited Tottenham Hotspur Stadium last November …

And here’s what I’m wearing right now.

So yeah, it was a big deal. And the greatest play ever.

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Hoch Watch! Everyone’s favorite referee, Shawn Hochuli, will work the Monday night tilt between the Bucs and Texans. If you’re the kind of fan who’s enjoyment of a game is wrecked by the referee assigned to it (and you know who you are), you’d better stay away from this one.

The preceding was a public service brought to you by the Commish.

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Welcome to Commish’s Cinema Corner! Your Commish caught some movies this offseason, and I have thoughts.

September 5 – a very good retelling of the live TV coverage of the terrorist attack on the 1972 Olympic games in Munich. The movie does a good job of showing how a group of sports broadcasters who were better trained to cover golf tournaments suddenly had to handle live coverage of the biggest news story in the world.

For the most part actors play the real people who were involved, but one of the movie’s best decisions was using the actual on air footage of ABC host Jim McKay’s live reporting. It underscores just how amazing a job he did in reporting on a near unspeakable tragedy. 4 out of 5 stars.

Saturday Night – another retelling of a live TV event, this time the premiere episode of Saturday Night Live in 1975. This time though the story is highly fictionalized, compressing two or three years’ worth of outrageous stories into a single 90 minute timeline. The actors portraying the SNL cast were unknown to me but were very good, especially the guy playing Dan Ackroyd. The more recognizable faces showed up in smaller cameos like Willem Dafoe as a possibly fictional network exec and J.K. Simmons as Milton Berle. The movie was ok but it wasn’t believable that all that craziness would happen on one night. 3 out of 5 stars.

No Hard Feelings – if you know anything about this movie then you know why I tuned in. Jennifer Lawrence stars as a 30-something slacker who answers a Craiglist ad from two parents who want her to “date” their teenage son. It was pretty funny, and surprisingly touching, but was most memorable for the skinny dipping scene that turns into a naked brawl. I won’t spoil it any more than that, but let’s just say that Jennifer Lawrence is a brave actress. 4 out of 5 stars.

Happy Gilmore 2 – if you liked the first one then you’ll enjoy this one, but it’s not as good. They went heavy on the fan service (go figure) and light on plot. It was mildly funny but I can’t recall a single joke, and it definitely needed more Julie Bowen. 3 out of 5.

The Naked Gun – I wasn’t going to see this out of reverence for the original, but I got a surprise invite and went into it with as open a mind as I could. And it was better than I thought it would be, but still not near the greatness of the original. Liam Neeson was good, but the surprise for me was Pamela Anderson. I don’t think I’d seen her in a comedy before but I thought she was funny, especially her jazz improv scene. But there were big scenes that absolutely did not work, especially the extended scene with a sentient snowman (yes you read that right), and that kept it from being great. 3.5 out of 5.

And So It Goes – I’ve been a big Billy Joel fan for 40+ years, and HBO’s two-part, five hour documentary did not disappoint. The mostly chronological doc walks through each one of Joel’s albums and does a great job showing how the events of his life directly influenced the music he created. It certainly tries to be a “warts and all” look at his sometimes trainwreck of a life, but I felt a little shortchanged in spots, particularly with his struggles with alcohol. The only mention of treatment is that he walked out of it, but they never say if he’s still drinking or how his current wife (#4) feels about it. But aside from that it is an outstanding look at a brilliant musician, and unless you’re a Billy Joel hater (and that’s ok) then Commish says check it out. 5 out of 5.

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Trivia question: Who leads all rookies in receiving yards after week 1?¹

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Now it’s time for the CFFL’s fastest rising game show – ASS or NOT ASS!

Miles Sanders – was a very noticeable drop-off from Javonte Williams. Even when he broke 2025’s most unexpected long run, he got caught from behind by a linebacker – a WHITE linebacker. Then he committed the game’s only turnover in the red zone. ASS

Arch Manning – had a bad game in the Horseshoe but he’s hardly the first. Had a good half against Sane Jose State, but it was San Jose State. Some observers believe he’s got a shoulder injury. Has a couple more patsies before the conference games start, then we’ll see. NOT ASS (yet)

Russell Wilson – played one week for maybe the worst team in the NFL and the talk is already that he should be benched. ASS, absolute ASS.

Bengals – lost to a terrible Patriots team in week 1 last year and never recovered. Should have lost to a terrible Browns team in week 1 this year but for Cleveland’s ASS kicker. Burrow and Chase are great, and led Mayhem to the semis last year, but the team is total ASS.

Collin Rogers – SMU’s kicker was a Groza Award semifinalist last year, but missed three FGs in a three point loss to f***ing Baylor. That’s tough for me to forgive. ASS

My fantasy teams – I had five teams last year and determined that was one too many, so I was set to ride with four this year but got unexpected invites to two more that I couldn’t turn down. After one week my record is 0-6 and I’m questioning why I even do this when I’m obviously ASS.

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The Commish Track of the Week is Scenes From An Italian Restaurant by Billy Joel.

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Uni Watch – I only have one entry this week but it’s a doozy. What the hell is this?

I don’t think it’s particularly innovative to take your classic uniform and just reverse the colors. Everything gold in this uni should be black and everything black should be gold, with a bigger fleur de lis on the helmet. They got this one all wrong.

I’ve seen pics of some other awful looking combos coming later this year (I’m looking your way Buffalo) but I’ll wait until they see game action before weighing in.

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The Nepo Babe of the Week is Alexa Ray Joel. Her famous parents are Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, and she’s an odd mix of the two. She has her father’s eyes and coloring, and her mother’s smile and figure, and it somehow works. She’s also a singer/songwriter and you know how I dig onstage babes.

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We’ll end it with the comedy stylings of Steven Wright: “I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

It’s good to be back. Good luck to everyone (almost) in week 2,

The Commish

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1. Tyler Warren ↩︎