Born an uncertain number of years ago, the son of a Tibetan yak herder and a Peruvian gypsy, Commish Mike arrived on the shores of Baja California with only six drachmas in his pocket and a dream of global domination. After brief stints in the French Foreign Legion and the Pinkertons, he was instrumental in founding Bank of America, Manitoba, and the WNBA, before setting his sights on his greatest challenge: running a fantasy football league.
He has wowed audiences worldwide with his ability to solve a Rubik’s cube without using his hands or feet. On a whim he translated the Magna Carta from French to Japanese and back, even though he speaks neither language.
He introduced Native Americans to peyote, Canadians to hockey, and elderly Asian women to mahjong. He consulted Danny Ocean on robbing the Bellagio and the Bank, but not on whatever the caper in Ocean’s 12 was.
He conceived the entire Star Wars saga while taking a crap in a Soho bordello.
His three minute mile is recognized as a world record even though there was no timer and no witnesses. In his only season of professional baseball he batted .400 for the New York Mets while pitching flawless middle relief and live scouting the Dominican Republic.
He is a master of cartography, an expert in philately, and can roll the perfect joint. He can smoke on airplanes and shout “Fire!” in movie theaters. He can hold a six pack in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts, if you know what I mean.
He pioneered an invasive form of non-invasive surgery. He holds patents for an invisible ink printer, the gold-plated silver dollar, and the electric fork. He invented a number between six and seven, a letter between P and Q, and a color between red and orange.
He gives 110%, 80% of the time.
He inspires art, influences monetary policy, and shapes the national zeitgeist. He can walk on water but doesn’t like to show off. He uses all the pronouns.
He co-authored the Gettysburg Address and the theme to “Good Times”. He has modeled for prize-winning butter sculptures. He was the first to coin the term “mutually exclusive”.
He discovered the Jackson 5, the Four Tops, the Three Stooges, the Doublemint Twins, and Furball the Wonder Cat. He won a Nobel prize for his groundbreaking theories on proctology. He will raise you $1000 while checkmating your king, even though you’re playing Scrabble.
He’s a nightmare walkin’, psychopath talkin’, king of his jungle, just a gangsta stalkin’. He’s a man of means by no means. He was the fifth Beatle.
But at the end of the 28 hour day (because 24 hour days are for chumps), he is, and will always be, a humble Commish.
Ruminations & Cogitations 