Factory 123, Torpedoes 90.5: The only thing missing would have been the sheer hilarity if Torpedoes had started Emari Demercado.
Swerve 113.5, Mayhem 112.5: Swerve won with maybe the most top-heavy lineup ever, getting 82 points from their QB and two RBs.
MSG 112, Weasels 106.5: Jonathan Taylor is the highest scoring non-QB through five weeks.
Chumps 106, SOL 102: Benching Jayden Daniels for Justin Fields was a good call. Benching Bill Croskey-Merritt for Chase Brown was not.
Snappers 99.5, Maulers 78.5: Both teams nearly went all in.
Guns 80, Yankees 76.5: The third-lowest scoring team has the league’s best record. I hate fantasy football.
Ruminations and Cogitations (Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em edition)
Week 5 Awards: Hard Luck goes to Mayhem with 112.5, the highest scoring Hard Luck so far this year. Dumb Luck goes to Guns with 80. The first Bench Mob of the year goes to Yankees, whose bench outscored their starters 87 – 76.5. No All In but Snappers got the closest with only 4 bench points.
There were four close games this week, with plenty of bad beats to be found, but I’m giving the Bad Beat to Mayhem for losing on Hat Trick Cojones’ pick 6 and Kyren Williams goal line fumble (see below).
I heard about a new scoring category that I think we should adopt immediately: if a QB makes a tackle = 100 points. I’ll even go one better – if a kicker makes a tackle = 200 points. All in favor?
Team of the Week
| QB | C.J. Stroud/Sam Darnold | Swerve/FA | 28 |
| RB | Rico Dowdle | Swerve | 29 |
| RB | Jonathan Taylor | MSG | 28 |
| WR | Emeka Egbuka | Factory | 24 |
| WR | Ja’Marr Chase | Mayhem | 23 |
| TE | AJ Barner | FA | 20.5 |
| WR/TE | Jake Ferguson | Mayhem | 19.5 |
| PK | Ka’imi Fairbairn | SOL | 18 |
| DST | Colts | FA | 23 |
| Total | 213 |
Top 5 Plays of the Week
5. Luke McCaffery somehow caught this.
4. Drake Maye eluded a sure sack and completed a pass to Stefon Diggs to kickstart the game winning drive.
3. The 49ers forced a goal line fumble with in the final minute to preserve their win over the Rams.
2. Jordan Addison hauled in the game-winning TD against the Browns.
1. Trevor Lawrence pulled off a Stumblerooskie to beat the Chiefs. Just like they drew it up.
Week 5 Overreactions
- Did the NFL even happen if there were no blocked kicks?
- The verdict is in: Arch Manning, and the whole UT team, are ASS.
- Buccaneers/Seahawks might have been a preview of the NFC Championship game.
- Mike Vrabel and Liam Coen are your NFL Coach of the Year front-runners.
- I can’t fathom how Mike McDaniel still has a job. How much more evidence do you need?
Sunday had two rare and weird examples of QBs sprinting downfield while a play was still going on.
First up was Dak hauling ass downfield behind Javonte Williams, I guess in case Williams got caught inbounds and they needed to spike the ball. That’s great but I’m not sure the O-line was in as big a hurry.
Then Jalen Hurts went sprinting after his Hail Mary heave in case it was batted back toward the line of scrimmage. He damn near made it to the goal line before the ball came down too.
Bonus Trickeration of the Week: Cam Akers threw a nice TD pass against the Browns.
Uni watch – Week 5
It’s safe to say that I don’t usually care for alternate uniforms except when teams go with 70s-80s era throwbacks. Even then it seems rare when both teams do it in the same game, but that’s what we got in the Seahawks/Bucs game, and it was glorious.
As with the Patriots, the Seahawks’ throwbacks work because it reminds us of how bad their current uniforms are. And much like the Pats (and Broncos, Dolphins, Saints, etc.) they should permanently switch back.
There were some other alternates that I surprisingly didn’t hate. Both were the all-white variety, which I’ve never been a big fan of in any sport (I’m looking at you, Toronto Maple Leafs) but the NFL versions this week weren’t too bad.
The Cowboys’ all whites have just enough navy blue to make it work. For me the blue sleeves remind me of Tottenham’s home kit from last season, which I liked enough to buy last year (see the Week 1 R&C). And any Cowboys uni that doesn’t have the metallic blue pants is an improvement.
I didn’t think I was going to like the Bills’ “Cold Front” unis (seriously, that’s their name) until I saw them on the field. I’m not a huge fan of the silver helmet logo but it works ok when paired with the silver numbers. The blue outline on both helps a lot, as does the Patriots wearing their Blue Man Group uni with the Flying Elvis helmet. Anything looks good next to that.
The Bonehead Play of the Week is a two-fer courtesy of your Arizona Cardinals. First, Emari Demercado intentionally dropped the ball before crossing the goal line, then the defense intercepted a pass, fumbled it, and kicked it into the endzone where the Titans recovered it for a TD.
It’s really amazing how some sports franchises are perennially terrible, regardless of who the players, coaches or executives are. The Cardinals are one such franchise.
Memo to coach Jonathan Gannon – when your dipshit player drops the ball, don’t lose your shit or lay hands on the guy. Just channel your inner Jimmy Johnson and cut his ass on Monday morning.
The Non-NFL Play of the Week was the Yankees’ Ryan McMahon going all out to catch a foul pop-up.
I’m an AL guy but this might be one of those years where I’ll be rooting for the NL team in the World Series. If things hold it sure looks like Toronto and Seattle will be in the ALCS, which means I’ll be looking elsewhere.
Commish AL Hate Index
- Mariners
- Blue Jays
- Tigers
- Yankees
With the Rangers winning it all in 2023, we now have the luxury of sneering at those that have never won or even gotten to the WS (hello Seattle!). And I don’t really hate the Blue Jays but the stink of 2015 and 20161 hasn’t washed out yet, plus I just like the Yankees and Tigers more.
Commish NL Hate Index
- Brewers
- Phillies
- Dodgers
- Cubs
I don’t really hate any of the remaining NL teams. Now that I’ve been to Wrigley I’m partial to the Cubs but it doesn’t look like they’ll get past the Brewhas. I like both the Dodgers and Phillies but I’m getting tired of the Phillies crashing out of the playoffs every year.
Trivia question: Who are the only Cowboys RB and WR to have 100 yards rushing and 100 yards receiving respectively in the same half of the same game?2
Hoch Watch! Shawn Hochuli, fresh off calling a million penalties against the Bills (as usual), has the Cardinals/Colts game on Sunday.
Today I learned that MC Hammer – the parachute pants-wearing, Rick James-ripping off, Typewriter-dancing fool from the 90s – was an actual gangster who would send his thugs out after anyone who dissed him. Apparently other rappers from the day knew better than to cross him.
Literally every image I have of Hammer is from his 90s videos, and of the many words that come to mind, “gangsta” is definitely not one of them.
See what I mean?
I watched the Thursday night game at the cigar lounge in Tyler. When they showed Rams kicker Joshua Karty on the bench I said “Man, he’s got a jawline for a kicker.” The guy next to me said “Dude looks like he should be playing Batman” which was funny as hell in the moment.
A few minutes ago I made my first ever dabble with AI by trying to generate an image of Karty wearing a Batman cowl but I couldn’t get it to work so you’ll just have to imagine it.
It seems obvious that The Commish Track of the Week should be a Hammer track, but I can’t go there. Instead you get Radio Free Europe by R.E.M.
There are many glorious facets to Bill Belichick’s struggles at UNC, but the best one was that there was going to be a Hulu docuseries. I don’t usually watch those but I was looking forward to seeing an already middling program disintegrate week by week under the stewardship of a coach and GM who so far don’t look like they understand how college football works in 2025.
But alas, they pulled the plug on the series today. Pity. In the words of Ted Striker:
The Nepo Babe of the Week is Maya Hawke. Famous parents: Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke.
For the second time we have a babe who played a Manson family psycho in Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. She’s also in Stranger Things, which I haven’t seen.
In some pics she looks a lot like her mom (who’s in Commish’s Babe Hall of Fame) and in others not so much. Thankfully though she looks nothing like her dad.
For our one-liner we’ll go back to the legendary Steven Wright: “I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.”
Good luck to everyone (almost) in week 6,
The Commish
- In case you forgot the Blue Jays won six straight playoff games against the Rangers in 2015-2016, knocking them out of the playoffs both years. ↩︎
- Javonte Williams (108) and Ryan Flournoy (104), week 5, 2025 vs. the Jets ↩︎
Ruminations & Cogitations 
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